Things You Can Do To Steak

Hi, I’m an omnivore. I believe passionately and vocally that humans are on top of the food chain and the point of eating is to fuel our bodies, and that meals are the truest divine experience possible – food is love, and you share it and you put it in you.

I understand that many people have other viewpoints, most of which I disagree with or find speciously supported through assumptions. But hey, if you don’t like meat, you don’t like meat. Skip this blog post and we’ll catch up later.

But now, here, have two meals that will knock peoples’ socks off:

Steak with Bordelaise Sauce

INGREDIENTS
1 cup red wine (No I don’t care what kind, I’d recommend you use the same stuff you’d drink with this meal — If you don’t drink wine, I’ll point out you can have a beer with this meal)
2 sprigs fresh thyme
2 shallots, finely diced (they come in bundles usually, get 1 bundle, use 2 shallots from the bundle. Save the rest for making recipes fancy by using 1 in place of an onion)
1 bay leaf
6 tbsp. Demi-Glace (for now, you’re going to buy this in a store. Later, I will show you how to make this)
Steak! I don’t care what kind of steak, but let’s assume you’re cooking for 2, so get a decent pair of filets or ribeyes or something thicker than skirt and ideally with the word “Choice” on the label.

** I’m assuming you’re going to make this meal to impress someone, so let’s say you spend that extra money you were going to spend on porn in case your date didn’t work out and buy 2 filet mignon **

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
2 tbsp. canola oil
1 tbsp. chilled unsalted butter, diced
1 tbsp. finely chopped flat-leaf parsley
1 tsp. chopped fresh rosemary
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme

INSTRUCTIONS

Before you start – Heat your oven to 500° F

1. Make the sauce: In a 2-quart. saucepan (you may recognize this as the thing you make soup in), combine wine, thyme, shallots, and bay leaf. Reduce wine over medium-high heat until almost completely evaporated (that means look for steam and it should smell like wine). Discard the thyme and bay leaf; stir in demi-glace. Yes, it’s supposed to look shiny. Yes, it can be a little thick. If it’s watery or not shiny, you need to keep cooking it down. You can test this by putting a spoon in it, then watching it drip off the back. Does it look like Nyquil? Awesome. Cover it, remove from the heat, and set it aside.

2. Prepare the filets: Season filets with salt and pepper. Heat oil in a 10″ skillet (that pan you use every time) over high heat. Sear steaks, flipping once, until browned, 4 minutes. Transfer skillet to oven; roast until steaks are medium rare, 4–5 minutes if your oven is fickle. Place steaks on a plate; let rest.Take a piece of aluminum foil and cover the plate loosely. Leave them alone. They’re fine. Don’t poke them. Just let them sit there.

3. THIS STEP IS GOING TO REQUIRE YOU TO PICK UP A POT IN ONE HAND AND USE YOUR OTHER TO STIR. THAT POT IS GONNA BE HOT. BE CAREFUL. Let’s sauce the steak: Put the saucepan back on medium heat. Whisk in butter (that means either use a wisk or a fork, let’s be real here – you probably have more forks than whisks). Remove saucepan from heat; stir in parsley and season sauce with salt and pepper. Transfer steaks to cutting board; add juices from plate to pan and stir. Spoon 2 tbsp. sauce onto each of the plates. Slice steaks into ¼”-thick slices; divide between plates. Sprinkle with rosemary and thyme; drizzle each steak with 1 tbsp. sauce. Serve with salad or something green on the plate so people can be proud of you, if you like.

Steak Diane

2 tbsp. canola oil
STEAK. I like 2 ribeyes for this, because you can slice them.
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1½ cups beef stock (buy it in a carton)
2 tbsp. unsalted butter
2 cloves garlic, minced (or take 2-ish large spoonfuls of the jarred stuff)
1 shallot, minced
4 oz. mushrooms that you’re going to cut into pieces
¼ cup cognac or brandy (this is because we’re going to do something fancy to it. This isn’t for drinking)
¼ cup heavy cream
1 tbsp. Dijon mustard (it’s gotta be Dijon. Yellow and Deli DO NOT work)
1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
¼ tsp. hot sauce, such as Tabasco (or whatever you dig, but you need some)
1 tbsp. minced parsley
1 tbsp. minced chives

** mincing something means cutting it into TINY pieces, Think pencil erasers or smaller.**

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Heat oil in a 12″ skillet over medium-high heat. Season steaks with salt and pepper, and add to skillet; cook, turning once, until browned on both sides and cooked about 4 to 5 minutes for medium-rare.

Transfer steaks to a plate, and set them aside. Take a piece of aluminum foil and cover them.

2. Return the skillet (yes we’re using the same pan) to high heat, and add stock (WARNING: This is going to hiss and smoke. Be careful. Go slow); cook it down until reduced until it’s about half gone, about 10 minutes. Pour into a bowl, and set it aside. (Also, congratulate yourself, you just deglazed something. You’re like four times cooler than anyone on Chopped.)

Return the skillet to heat, and add butter; add garlic and shallots, and cook, stirring, until soft, about 2 minutes (you want them to be sort of shiny). Add the mushrooms, and cook, stirring, until they release any liquid and it evaporates and mushrooms begin to brown, about 2 more minutes.

OKAY HERE COMES THE PART YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT. GO GET A MATCH. TEXT SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO USE FIRE. MAKE SURE CHILDREN AND PETS ARE IN THE OTHER ROOM. MAKE SURE SOMEONE IS READY TO RESPOND WITH HELP IF YOU BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE. NO I AM NOT JOKING. FIRE IS COOL, BUT YOU CAN MESS YOUR SHIT UP THAT WAY. Ready? DO NOT LEAN OVER THE PAN WHILE YOU DO THIS, THAT’S HOW YOU DO BAD THINGS TO HAIR AND EYEBROWS.

Move the pan to a part of the stove not hot (like the other burner!) Add the cognac, and light with a match to flambée (you won’t need to do much, the fumes will catch. THIS WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A CAMPFIRE. THIS WILL LOOK LIKE A BIC LIGHTER); put it back on the fire and cook until the flame dies down. It won’t take long. When you don’t see fire, move to the next paragraph.

Stir in that stock you used over in step 2, the cream, Dijon, Worcestershire, and hot sauce, and then return steaks to skillet; cook, turning in sauce, until warmed through and sauce is thickened, about 4 minutes. Transfer steak to serving plates and stir parsley and chives into sauce; pour the sauce over steaks to serve.

Enjoy your food.

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